My Personal Code Of Conduct
Background and Context
I created this code of conduct for myself because I wanted to improve my consent skills and practices. I created this document with the help of coaches and mentors like Midori, Marcia Baczynski, Sunny Megatron, Consent Academy, and William Winters from the Bonobo Network. This creation is part of an accountability process following a January 2023 report of a communication incident in which I failed to describe my training and experience regarding suspension adequately. This document encapsulates the lessons I have learned and the steps I have taken during my accountability process to ensure that those mistakes are not repeated. It provides clear guidelines for my actions and models behavior I invite others to hold me accountable to.
This document won’t do the hard work of consent making for me, but it is a tool to help me level set with others and serve as the start of a conversation between us.
Specific Actions
I commit to practicing the following during play
Using my pre-scene negotiation checklist and my experience guidelines during negotiations to make sure I don’t miss anything important and that I provide the information the other person needs to give informed consent.
Wearing my bracelet that reminds me of important communication tenets that help keep me aligned with my values at events, classes, and during negotiation
Consistently and accurately discussing my experience and training, as well as the risks of play during negotiation. These questions can be part of an active conversation between me and the other person to decide what risks we are willing to consent to.
Use somatic breathing techniques to center myself before and during negotiations and keep me out of fawning, collapse, and masking
Pausing to slow down for self-check-ins and collaborative check-ins before, during, and after negotiations and play. This not only ensures that I have space to access my tools, but also holds space for the other person to also advocate for themselves
Communication and continuing development
I've assembled a trusted community that I am accountable to to help me on this journey. It is made up of friends (both in and out of the scene), mentors, and coaches. I'm privileged to work with this group, continually refining my skills, enhancing my communication practice, and seeking their guidance whenever I inevitably make mistakes.
I commit to asking members of my group to review bios, communications, and other instances where I describe my experience to ensure that I am not unintentionally misleading people into thinking I have more experience or training than I do
I will continue to work with Midori, Marcia B, and Sunny Megatron on a regular basis to continue to practice and hone my communication skills.
I will work to make my communication and negotiation with others a collaborative dialogue, not a one-sided lecture or a problem to be fixed.
Commitment to doing repair well
I will inevitably make mistakes in the process of being human. When that happens, I will use Bear Bergman’s apology guidelines (found in his book, Special Topics in Being A Human) when apologizing or addressing harm I have caused to take responsibility and help foster the best mutual experience for myself and the person who has experienced harm.
I will support people I cause harm to within the boundaries of my capacity, resources, and our negotiation.
I will solicit feedback both in person and online to help me continue to strive to be the best communicator and community member that I can be.
I have set up a feedback form that is routed to a standing accountability partner, who then brings it to me. If you want to remain anonymous, then my feedback partner will strip any identifying details from the feedback they pass onto me. There is also a field to indicate if you want me to follow up with you. All feedback will be listened to and taken seriously. I will respond to all follow-up requests. Any desires for anonymity and confidentiality will be respected.
The form can be found here: Nic’s feedback form
Teaching
If I teach or present, I commit to following the kink educator code of conduct
Model behavior
When I’m communicating in an authentic and accurate way, it looks like this:
I am encouraging a collaborative and joy-centered consent practice by being aware of my capacity and ensuring the other person has the space to advocate for themselves.
I have the confidence and presence to advocate for my boundaries and limits and say yes to what I want and no to what I do not.
I have the confidence to internally take the time that I need to do a skill right or take space and time during conversation to collect myself. I am in equilibrium. I am not rushed, fawning, or collapsed, nor am I posturing or trying to save face.
I am disclosing on a need-to-know basis that I am neurodivergent and what that means for the other person. This looks like setting hooks for myself to clue the other person into some of the tools I use to facilitate high-quality communication. These include my communication checklist, experience guide, bracelet, and conversation stems.
I am telling the other person when I need to take some time or space in order to access my tools and keep myself out of collapse, fawning, and masking, even if that might lead to pauses that are awkward.
I am specifically and accurately calling out my experience and training, as well as the risks of any play I am engaging in, so that the other people involved can give their informed consent so that we can create our experience together.
If agreed on in negotiation beforehand, I follow up with my partners after our interactions in ways that work for us to check in with how they are doing and ask for feedback about my communication and conduct.
I don’t do anything to push my boundaries, capacity, or experience without having a conversation with the other person first so we can decide together if that increased risk is something we want to consent to
When my communication begins to slip into masking, posturing, fawning, or collapse, it looks like:
I talk faster, and a two-sided collaborative communication turns into more of a lecture where I try to present a unilateral solution. I’ll appear tight, uncomfortable, and anxious, which signals to myself and others that I’m trying to salvage a bad situation rather than advocating for my capacity, boundaries, and limitations and extracting myself from the situation.
I start to prioritize being impressive or confident over high-quality communication. This posturing looks like always having an answer ready and not taking time or space to ensure it’s true for me.
I become less able to access my boundaries and tools, which looks like collapse and committing to things or offering things even if I don’t want to do them or are obviously uncomfortable. A part of this is I am more likely to mask and wait for it to be over, then access my tools and advocate for my wants and boundaries.
What to do if you want to give me feedback
If you notice something and want to give me feedback, feel free to come up to me and give me that feedback directly. As with all feedback, it’s polite to ask me if I have the capacity to hear feedback at the moment. An example of this might be:
“Hey, I noticed something during your negotiation earlier. Do you have the capacity to talk about it?”
“I have some feedback about your scene earlier. Would you like to hear it?”
If you notice me doing something really well, I would love to hear it. This kind of positive reinforcement is just as important as pointing out opportunities for improvement.
If you have a communication preference that works for you, bring it up, and we can have a conversation about the best way for you to give me your feedback.
If you want to bring something up to me after the fact or anonymously, as mentioned above, I have a feedback form that is sent to one of the members of my accountability group. The link can be found here.
If you’ve read this far, thank you. Getting this right matters to me. Making these commitments and model behaviors public and asking those I am accountable to to help me live in accordance with them is a crucial part of building a strong and durable consent and communication practice. The work is hard, and I will make mistakes, but it is worth it.